I wish.
it's gunna suck when you lose everything.
27.3.09
Spy.
Don't ask for permission just ask for forgiveness.
Can you miss something you never really lost? 'Cause I sure as hell do miss myself.
I was looking at a pic of me in the 10th grade and I miss him.
I was Brandon then, not Dino, not Zew/Zoo, it was after Binky.
It was before the lovedrunk person who feels as if he can't stand alone.
I stood alone, by myself just me and my addictions I had no problems in the world.
I never showed my real eyes because of two reasons they were always bloodshot due to the lack of sleep and all the drugs. The other reason was because I didn't like people being able to view my soul. I liked my people like cross country racing I needed some distance. haha
but no one knew what was going on in my head not even me at some times. and I liked it. it gave me a edge if I felt threatened I could quickly shut down the fort and that'd be the it.
now I have friends that I actually care about and care about me... and I feel if anyone cares about you you will let them down at one point and time and vis versa. Which is where i get even more confused.
WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP ALLOWING MYSELF TO GET HURT?
the drugs the drugs all the drugs.
I wish it was that easy to just go back to be being Brandon from the 10th grade.
but I know it would hurt everyone who cares and I just can't do that to them.
vicious Masochism cycle of pleasure, passion, and pain.
Can you miss something you never really lost? 'Cause I sure as hell do miss myself.
I was looking at a pic of me in the 10th grade and I miss him.
I was Brandon then, not Dino, not Zew/Zoo, it was after Binky.
It was before the lovedrunk person who feels as if he can't stand alone.
I stood alone, by myself just me and my addictions I had no problems in the world.
I never showed my real eyes because of two reasons they were always bloodshot due to the lack of sleep and all the drugs. The other reason was because I didn't like people being able to view my soul. I liked my people like cross country racing I needed some distance. haha
but no one knew what was going on in my head not even me at some times. and I liked it. it gave me a edge if I felt threatened I could quickly shut down the fort and that'd be the it.
now I have friends that I actually care about and care about me... and I feel if anyone cares about you you will let them down at one point and time and vis versa. Which is where i get even more confused.
WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP ALLOWING MYSELF TO GET HURT?
the drugs the drugs all the drugs.
I wish it was that easy to just go back to be being Brandon from the 10th grade.
but I know it would hurt everyone who cares and I just can't do that to them.
vicious Masochism cycle of pleasure, passion, and pain.
GuessWho
I know you missed me.
I've been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past week and a half.
eh.
"I am addicted to the way I feel when I think of you...."
you'll never know who that's about don't ask.
"I swallowed pride but spit out fire"
you'll also never know who that was about
"I'm the kind of kid who never lets anything go, but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up in slit your throat."
again you'll never know.
"Prescribed pills to offset the shakes to offset the pills..."
you're gettin' good at this never knowing thing.
"Baby seasons change but people don't...."
nah, guess again.
"this story's getting old a home wrecker with a heart of gold."
yea, uhhh no.
I've been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past week and a half.
eh.
"I am addicted to the way I feel when I think of you...."
you'll never know who that's about don't ask.
"I swallowed pride but spit out fire"
you'll also never know who that was about
"I'm the kind of kid who never lets anything go, but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up in slit your throat."
again you'll never know.
"Prescribed pills to offset the shakes to offset the pills..."
you're gettin' good at this never knowing thing.
"Baby seasons change but people don't...."
nah, guess again.
"this story's getting old a home wrecker with a heart of gold."
yea, uhhh no.
16.3.09
toy soildiers
I should have just thrown it away when I had the chance buried with the corpse they put in the ground.
I still love you, but I feel like you love someone else and I can't handle it. I hate that (S)HE happened though.
I miss David, Jordan, and Kyle, I can not wait until the summer I have some shit to do.
applied to work at Cedar Point today, I really don't want to go but if i do it'll be an experience I guess.
Nostalgia is a bitch with teeth in her vagina.
I still love you, but I feel like you love someone else and I can't handle it. I hate that (S)HE happened though.
I miss David, Jordan, and Kyle, I can not wait until the summer I have some shit to do.
applied to work at Cedar Point today, I really don't want to go but if i do it'll be an experience I guess.
Nostalgia is a bitch with teeth in her vagina.
14.3.09
strike
they way you move when you sleep.
the way you look before you leap.
the strange illusions that you keep.
you don't know what I'm noticing.
I've change for the worse.
I've started to care about the curse
I've got rid of the hunger and the thirst.
I miss the old me.
go ahead and pull the trigger
end the misery but don't stop the music
it's enough to make you sick.
the audacity and the anticipation.
food for thought riddle writing.
the way you look before you leap.
the strange illusions that you keep.
you don't know what I'm noticing.
I've change for the worse.
I've started to care about the curse
I've got rid of the hunger and the thirst.
I miss the old me.
go ahead and pull the trigger
end the misery but don't stop the music
it's enough to make you sick.
the audacity and the anticipation.
food for thought riddle writing.
13.3.09
Bowling Pins.
when the truth is let out and all the hearts are broken
there might be enough dust and residue to make a line to snort.
we're standing still but I don't know where we are, but we're standing together.
I want less you want more we all want the same thing as before
dreams are dreams thats all they are
in a violent less war we both end up with battle scars
the instrumentals to the music in my mind just skipped
I don't know if you heard it, but now my rhythm is a little off.
enough riddle writing.
I hoped you liked it
there might be enough dust and residue to make a line to snort.
we're standing still but I don't know where we are, but we're standing together.
I want less you want more we all want the same thing as before
dreams are dreams thats all they are
in a violent less war we both end up with battle scars
the instrumentals to the music in my mind just skipped
I don't know if you heard it, but now my rhythm is a little off.
enough riddle writing.
I hoped you liked it
4.3.09
hell or glory I don't want anything in between.
Ok I like Prom Queen.
it grew on me... but fuck you sue me!
ummm
I have nothing profound to write right now.
I really really really want/need a new phone.
I went on a old Fall Out Boy trip last night and it reminded me a lot of my old self and how much I've changed not necessarily for the better or worse but just changed. It's weird.
uhh
I need some more blogs to follow so if you read my blog speak up I wanna get to know some folks.
it grew on me... but fuck you sue me!
ummm
I have nothing profound to write right now.
I really really really want/need a new phone.
I went on a old Fall Out Boy trip last night and it reminded me a lot of my old self and how much I've changed not necessarily for the better or worse but just changed. It's weird.
uhh
I need some more blogs to follow so if you read my blog speak up I wanna get to know some folks.
3.3.09
oh I am such a masochist
Dug this up...
uhh on to the real post.
I have been coaching a few friends of mines, and I can't help but to feel a tad bit bad.
only on the count I often detach myself from reality and go on with life with a nonchalant attitude. Making it seem more often than not I don't care about anything.
except the few (very few) things I openly express care for (i.e my friends, my fam and... breathing) but other than that I don't care.
a kid got raped and murdered...I often find myself trying to feel pain where there is none.
I figure if I don't know the kid why should t matter to me. I try my damndest to come up with something but again more often than not...it get pushed out of the doors of my memory bank without making any deposit.
I know what you're saying. "Dino you probably would feel something if it hit closer to home..."
and to that I say you're probably right, but I don't want to wait for heartbreak.
I'll probably always detach my feelings from certain situations and reattach them when I feel find it convenient for me.
"I asked her what was worse, ignorance or apathy?"
she said "I don't know and I don't care"
28.2.09
ay.
playing GTA III. classic.
I am pretty content.
nothing really to be worried about...
I need me a job a new one and a good one.
atleast so I could get my own apt. or car.
I'll go searching soon like Monday probably
I have so many thoughts running ramped in my mind it's scary...
I am currently thinking up a story line for a drawing I did if it's good once I am done thinking it'll eventually make it's way to cyberspace.
I am pretty content.
nothing really to be worried about...
I need me a job a new one and a good one.
atleast so I could get my own apt. or car.
I'll go searching soon like Monday probably
I have so many thoughts running ramped in my mind it's scary...
I am currently thinking up a story line for a drawing I did if it's good once I am done thinking it'll eventually make it's way to cyberspace.
27.2.09
fuck you Amber!
So I'm hanging with Berris, Christian, and the almighty Taqee right...
and we're starting a band...
Christian: lead guitarist.
Taqee: Bass.
Berris: Drummer
and I of course am on the vocals...
name: Penguin Riot!
so yea we're prob about to go scoop ATB and then go to Chilli's random shit to do on a friday night...
and we're starting a band...
Christian: lead guitarist.
Taqee: Bass.
Berris: Drummer
and I of course am on the vocals...
name: Penguin Riot!
so yea we're prob about to go scoop ATB and then go to Chilli's random shit to do on a friday night...
26.2.09
faces in the crowd.
Day 2 of facebook boycott.
I'm doing fine.
I honestly hate the fact that I allowed my life to be so wrapped up in facebook.
pretty crazy.
My Alarm clock just went off and it's about 9:33.
I've always set my clock at the most random times just to be different...
I told India a secret that I have never told anyone else. I think I kinda scared her =(
not in a way where'd she wouldn't wanna be with me anymore but in another way like I kinda told her and it put a lot of shit into a different perspective.
Some days I trick myself into believing she's still around, It helps until I snap back into reality.
not long ago I seen a kid walking down the street with his mother asking all kinds of questions I figured he couldn't be anymore then 6, and then I realized the kid in me had died. I was once that kid asking all the questions, I was once that kid making sure to grab mommy's hand before crossing the street, I was once that kid...and now I'm not. Haven't been since the day she left.
I stopped asking questions, I stopped looking for the hand that once helped me crossed the street, because I cross it alone, I stopped being a kid... and as much as I'd hate to admit I still wanna be that kid.
I'm doing fine.
I honestly hate the fact that I allowed my life to be so wrapped up in facebook.
pretty crazy.
My Alarm clock just went off and it's about 9:33.
I've always set my clock at the most random times just to be different...
I told India a secret that I have never told anyone else. I think I kinda scared her =(
not in a way where'd she wouldn't wanna be with me anymore but in another way like I kinda told her and it put a lot of shit into a different perspective.
Some days I trick myself into believing she's still around, It helps until I snap back into reality.
not long ago I seen a kid walking down the street with his mother asking all kinds of questions I figured he couldn't be anymore then 6, and then I realized the kid in me had died. I was once that kid asking all the questions, I was once that kid making sure to grab mommy's hand before crossing the street, I was once that kid...and now I'm not. Haven't been since the day she left.
I stopped asking questions, I stopped looking for the hand that once helped me crossed the street, because I cross it alone, I stopped being a kid... and as much as I'd hate to admit I still wanna be that kid.
24.2.09
My mind is a safe.
GRRR!
I haven't blogged in a min.
sorry folks.
but updates!
uhh I want a new phone. :)
I'll probably wait until my birthday to get it I want the Samsung Memoir
yea it's an 8 megapixel camera and a phone.
other news... uh It's My sister's birfday :) she's 23 and she's preggers I'll find out if I'm having a neice or a nephew in about 2 weeks or so. I also played the lottery for the first time today and I won! I played the Megamillions I won 3 bucks. which is pretty good if you ask me. since i only spent a buck on the ticket. I've also seem to have gotten over my dyslixic anger fits. I used to have them really bad but now I can read a whole novel and the words won't switch up on me and I won't get frustrated. I'm giving up facebook for Lint, well not really cause I am not the reliogous folk but I think I spend to much time on it and I should start doing other shit like reading for instanst. so out with facebook and in with real ones lol. I also decided to spend more time with my family. Uhh.... I don't know what else to blog about.
but yea thats about it for the update so later folks.
I haven't blogged in a min.
sorry folks.
but updates!
uhh I want a new phone. :)
I'll probably wait until my birthday to get it I want the Samsung Memoir
yea it's an 8 megapixel camera and a phone.
other news... uh It's My sister's birfday :) she's 23 and she's preggers I'll find out if I'm having a neice or a nephew in about 2 weeks or so. I also played the lottery for the first time today and I won! I played the Megamillions I won 3 bucks. which is pretty good if you ask me. since i only spent a buck on the ticket. I've also seem to have gotten over my dyslixic anger fits. I used to have them really bad but now I can read a whole novel and the words won't switch up on me and I won't get frustrated. I'm giving up facebook for Lint, well not really cause I am not the reliogous folk but I think I spend to much time on it and I should start doing other shit like reading for instanst. so out with facebook and in with real ones lol. I also decided to spend more time with my family. Uhh.... I don't know what else to blog about.
but yea thats about it for the update so later folks.
4.2.09
Ihatemyselftoo..
I admire you. always know and believe that. Everything you have been through and all that you still endure you're a strong person.
I am beginning to hate you. you have made me. I don't understand why you claim pain.
I hope you grow up soon.
the pros and cons of breathing are beginning to become slighted toward the cons.
4-4-09 can't come fast enough.
I am beginning to hate you. you have made me. I don't understand why you claim pain.
I hope you grow up soon.
the pros and cons of breathing are beginning to become slighted toward the cons.
4-4-09 can't come fast enough.
29.1.09
I'm fucking you tonight.
I'm ok folk.
ignore the last entry.
We're back together and I am fine she's fine and we're working on making our relationship better.
God I know i wasn't really "old" enough to appreciate the '90's.
but dammnit I miss them
all the NO Limit anthems, Biggie, Tupac, Aaliyah, Monica, Brandy, Jodaci, the Hot Boyz.
living life without any worries... staying up all night with my cousins on the porch. teaching my nephew D'shawndre how to walk...
shit is crazy how time flies.
ignore the last entry.
We're back together and I am fine she's fine and we're working on making our relationship better.
God I know i wasn't really "old" enough to appreciate the '90's.
but dammnit I miss them
all the NO Limit anthems, Biggie, Tupac, Aaliyah, Monica, Brandy, Jodaci, the Hot Boyz.
living life without any worries... staying up all night with my cousins on the porch. teaching my nephew D'shawndre how to walk...
shit is crazy how time flies.
27.1.09
my suicide note.
SO me and India broke up.
we need "time" apart. i guess.
We're suppose to be getting back together but I don't know if that's going to work out.
I love her with every fiber of my being. and it hurts like hell knowing I can no longer make her happy as i once did.
I'm currently running this razor blade along my wrist vertically of course, I feel dead.
I feel the same way I did the day I went to my mothers funeral. heartbroken and lifeless.
I know I may have made a mistake by letting her become the sole reason as to why I wake up...
but hell I couldn't help it. after so long of detaching my emotions from the rest of me, I finally found some one I could be whole with and she loved me for me.
My deepest fear used to be emotions.
but after meeting her and falling in "love" countless times my deepest fear became the fact that one day I was going to die and leave her, leave her here without me to love her.
now I don't know what I fear since I kind of feel like i should go ahead and let this razor penetrate my skin so I could bleed until I feel none of these emotions anymore.
bleed until I don't feel anything anymore
bleed until what is left of my heart runs dry.
we need "time" apart. i guess.
We're suppose to be getting back together but I don't know if that's going to work out.
I love her with every fiber of my being. and it hurts like hell knowing I can no longer make her happy as i once did.
I'm currently running this razor blade along my wrist vertically of course, I feel dead.
I feel the same way I did the day I went to my mothers funeral. heartbroken and lifeless.
I know I may have made a mistake by letting her become the sole reason as to why I wake up...
but hell I couldn't help it. after so long of detaching my emotions from the rest of me, I finally found some one I could be whole with and she loved me for me.
My deepest fear used to be emotions.
but after meeting her and falling in "love" countless times my deepest fear became the fact that one day I was going to die and leave her, leave her here without me to love her.
now I don't know what I fear since I kind of feel like i should go ahead and let this razor penetrate my skin so I could bleed until I feel none of these emotions anymore.
bleed until I don't feel anything anymore
bleed until what is left of my heart runs dry.
15.1.09
12.1.09
I'm a mess but you're worse
Don't forget how well I really know you.
You know what I love about life? The part were you realize that everything is out of your control
and you finally let "life" run its course of inevitable destruction .
I am not saying speed up this process by no means do I want the blood of any suicidal teens on my hands. I am just saying let shit go, life's problems eventually fix themselves. "No pain last forever"
I don't know who said it, but it's some true shit.
"if seconds heal all wounds,
I'll put these tips on you
When faith is left to prove
It's all you'll have to lose"
-Brenden Urie of Panic at the Disco
from the song "One of Those Nights" by the The Cab
You know what I love about life? The part were you realize that everything is out of your control
and you finally let "life" run its course of inevitable destruction .
I am not saying speed up this process by no means do I want the blood of any suicidal teens on my hands. I am just saying let shit go, life's problems eventually fix themselves. "No pain last forever"
I don't know who said it, but it's some true shit.
"if seconds heal all wounds,
I'll put these tips on you
When faith is left to prove
It's all you'll have to lose"
-Brenden Urie of Panic at the Disco
from the song "One of Those Nights" by the The Cab
7.1.09
6.1.09
bed spread bandit since '89
This is it, Call it quits with honesty
ok so I finally figured out who sings this song called "Bounce" it's by The Cab.
I fuckin' love them.
they are one of my "new" favorite bands.
I almost lost my job today.
whomp whomp
almost doesn't count though so who give a FUCK!
I am gettin' my tattoo tommorow (I always put two m's instead of two r's) well tech. today...
I decided to get the heart with the question mark pierced through it.
and maybe just maybe my lip tattoo :)
that is all folks
ok so I finally figured out who sings this song called "Bounce" it's by The Cab.
I fuckin' love them.
they are one of my "new" favorite bands.
I almost lost my job today.
whomp whomp
almost doesn't count though so who give a FUCK!
I am gettin' my tattoo tommorow (I always put two m's instead of two r's) well tech. today...
I decided to get the heart with the question mark pierced through it.
and maybe just maybe my lip tattoo :)
that is all folks
5.1.09
этот быть принадлежащий мне любовь
I love her.
Nothing in this world have ever made me more happy than seeing her face . Never ever will I ever love another as much as her.
Dreaming of her makes me want to sleep forever but it is all the better when I awake because she is never to far away.
I need her, I often say I need when it is only a want but I try to function without her, and it fails.
It fails so bad I go into panic and frantically dial her number just to hear her voice.
All that I do can be traced back to her she is my everything my world. If I lost her I am sure I would plummet from the tower I stand on when I think of her.
she makes me feel so so so... COMPLETE no one else can compete in my mind
but of course she shall remain nameless until you read between the lines.
Nothing in this world have ever made me more happy than seeing her face . Never ever will I ever love another as much as her.
Dreaming of her makes me want to sleep forever but it is all the better when I awake because she is never to far away.
I need her, I often say I need when it is only a want but I try to function without her, and it fails.
It fails so bad I go into panic and frantically dial her number just to hear her voice.
All that I do can be traced back to her she is my everything my world. If I lost her I am sure I would plummet from the tower I stand on when I think of her.
she makes me feel so so so... COMPLETE no one else can compete in my mind
but of course she shall remain nameless until you read between the lines.
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