My Achellis' heel

Why the fuck am I up at 2:24am?
not a clue.
I'm thinking a lot.
at how life is such a roller coaster.
I have my ups an downs.
like today...
started off good,went downhill,went up a little bit,went way back down,went up really high,
and it's slowly creepy down this hill again.

I can't shake this sucky ass thought
that keeps coming into my head
like everytime I think of India
I think of our future
our future
contains 2 nice cars, a nice house somewhere warm, and a few kids.
then that thought leads to how it suck bloody balls
that my children will never get to meet their grandmother (on my side) in person.
I hate the fact I have to go to a grave to "see" my mommy period
but it is going to suck when one of my children are going to ask about my mom.
How do I explain that she's not able to be here?
I'm not mad, it just sucks that she didn't get to see any of her kids graduate from HS.
any of them turn 18
any of her grandchildren.
I sometimes wish I could wake up and this all be a really long redundant dream
and She'd be gettin' me ready for my first day of third grade all over again.

=(